ASHCROFT! The Musical's topics - tribe.net

Thank You, General

2004-11-11T20:25:53Z

we'll miss you

http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2004/11/20041109-18.html

now off to the private sector where you can be a really shitty lawyer on someone else's dime.

posted in ASHCROFT! The Musical - 0 replies

CNN Link

2004-08-11T23:00:08Z

It's come to my attention that not everyone has seen/heard/reacted to the soulful croonings of ASHCROFT! and his composition 'Let the Eagles Soar." Here's a link:

http://www.cnn.com/video/us/2002/02/25/ashcroft.sings.wbtv.med.html

posted in ASHCROFT! The Musical - 2 replies

ashcroft's weekend retreat

2004-07-16T06:27:46Z

turns out, my mother in law lives not 5 miles from where the man's weekend home is, on the shores of the tred avon on maryland's eastern shore.

so if anyone wants to work something about the all the parking in the town of st. michael's taken up by identical black suburbans, it'd at least be accurate.

posted in ASHCROFT! The Musical - 1 reply

See Ashcroft Sing!

2004-06-27T02:42:13Z

Fahrenheit 9/11 has footage of Ashcroft singing that godawful song he wrote. When it came on I put my hands over my ears and nearly started howling... that lyrical and musical abomination sticks in my head for days.

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Onion article

2004-05-12T03:55:19Z

http://www.onion.com/news/index.php?issue=4018

posted in ASHCROFT! The Musical - 1 reply

Good news!!! Ashcroft is okay after surgery.

2004-03-09T21:57:13Z

The second act break won't be staged in Purgatory.

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=514&e=3&u=/ap/20040309/ap_on_go_ca_st_pe/ashcroft_hospitalized

posted in ASHCROFT! The Musical - 0 replies

GALLSTONE!

2004-03-08T21:39:43Z

Ashcroft hospitalized with severe pancreatitis

Friday March 5, 2004

By SHANNON MCCAFFREY
WASHINGTON - Attorney General John Ashcroft spent Friday in the intensive care unit of a Washington hospital with a severe case of pancreatitis, a painful condition expected to sideline him for at least a week

On rare occasions the illness can be fatal, according to medical experts. Doctors expect to know more about Ashcroft's condition in the coming days.

Believing he had a stomach flu, Ashcroft canceled an appearance in Alexandria, Va., on Thursday where he was scheduled to discuss guilty verdicts handed down in a terrorism case. Instead, he went home and his condition worsened. White House physician Dr. Daniel Parks visited Ashcroft and instructed him to go to the emergency room.

After a complete exam, doctors at George Washington University Hospital diagnosed him with a severe case of gallstone pancreatitis. He was admitted to the intensive care unit at the downtown Washington hospital, where he's being monitored closely and treated with antibiotics, according to Justice Department spokesman Mark Corallo.

Pancreatitis, in which the pancreas is inflamed, can be caused by excessive consumption of alcohol or, in Ashcroft's case, a gallstone that becomes lodged in the bile duct blocking the passage of digestive enzymes into the small intestine.

The condition can become dangerous when other organs, such as the kidneys or stomach, become infected or the production of insulin by the pancreas is blocked, said Dr. Anthony Kalloo, a specialist in pancreatic disease at John Hopkins University Hospital in Baltimore.

Symptoms include sudden and intense abdominal pain, nausea, vomiting and fever.

"It is very painful," Kalloo said. " I feel sorry for him."

In most cases, the gallstone eventually passes through the small intestine on its own, but sometimes a device must be threaded through the digestive tract to remove the gallstone.

Some 80,000 people suffer from pancreatitis every year, Kalloo said, and some 10 percent of those cases are classified as severe, as Ashcroft's was. In the most severe cases, the death rate can be 15 percent, he said.

It's the first serious illness for Ashcroft, 61, who played football at Yale University and stays fit with regular games of basketball at the FBI gym.

posted in ASHCROFT! The Musical - 3 replies

Read Mark Morford!

2004-02-14T16:55:59Z

Here's an excerpt of Mark's column, posted three times a week at:

morford.tribe.net

=================

Oh my God but we are one terrified nation.

Fear is in. Fear is the new black. Spritz it on your face and neck, walk around the world all quivering and tremulous, waiting to be crushed by some dark massive throbbing wall of evil at any moment.

Fear is everywhere. Classrooms, water coolers, truck commercials. Fear is our government's raison d'etre, the calling card of the GOP. It will be the prime motivator in this year's presidential election, as Karl Rove will command that Dubya beat the drum of fear loud and hard and nonstop, smirking all the way.

Fear of terrorists fear of gay marriage fear of women and foreigners and the poor and environmentalists and progressives and Janet Jackson and hippies and commies and gul-dang liberals who want to take away your guns and make you think for yourself. We cannot have that.

Vote for us, the GOP will scream, and we will make sure to slaughter all those evil hippie demons, all while keeping your fear at a fever pitch via a never-ending parade of freshly minted evils that threaten your numbed McDonald's-gorged diabetic asthmatic children who can't breathe due to all the air-quality laws we've gouged. Shhh.

posted in ASHCROFT! The Musical - 0 replies

Ashcroft in THE PRODUCERS...

2004-01-19T11:31:59Z

Rumsfeld plays MAX BIALYSTOCK (Zero Mostel's character)

George Dubya plays LEO BLOOM (Gene Wilder's character)

Imagine now, Ashcroft in full Nazi regalia, playing the part of the crazy Dick Shawn Hitler character...

New music... instead of "Springtime for Hitler" it will be "Wartime for Merkans...in Securiteeeeee"

Woo-Hoo!

posted in ASHCROFT! The Musical - 4 replies

ASHCROFT! Elements

2004-01-05T20:19:34Z

The covering lady liberty and that fucking "Eagles" song are certainly important elements to ASHCROFT! I Also love the idea of the Highest Court Chorus Line with sequins and garteres a la Dr, Everett von Scott in Rocky Horror. Here are some other details I'd like to include:

ASHCROFT!'s fear of cats as harbingers of Satan.
His defeat in the Missouri election to one dead Mel Carnahan (this could be a nice Don Giovanni theme.)
His constant promotion of his band (The Singing Senators) to DC Nightclub Promoters trying to land that one plum beltway gig.
Having an intimate steam with Trent Lott.
The confirmation hearings for AG, where the comittee erupts into a modern dance orgy.

Any other details--historical, fantastic whatever--are encouraged. Here's a link to his official bio:

http://www.usdoj.gov/ag/ashcroftbio.html

posted in ASHCROFT! The Musical - 8 replies

More ideas

2003-12-05T22:59:54Z

Re: his fear of cats... we could throw in ALW Cats-like characters at some point, maybe having them do a Jellicle Ball like chant.

Where can we work in something that resembles Springtime for Hitler? Or maybe Herrod's Song?

posted in ASHCROFT! The Musical - 2 replies

Musical production number 6 - "Father of the G-Man Salute"

2003-11-12T22:49:43Z

A tense, edge-of-the-seat scene precedes the musical number in this act, which features a sweaty Ashcroft in dingy wifebeater, standing beside 2 FBI agents with bloodied knuckles inside a dimly lit room.

In this chapter, its obviously been a busy night for Crisco, as he & and his agents force an al-Queda confession from a thin, grayed suburban Detroit Arab shopkeeper inside a damp & musty boiler room somewhere underneath the cavernous tunnels of the National Mall. A ceiling fan creaks overhead.

"You will tell us EVERYTHING, old man!" [BETWEEN BLOWS] "Why was this copy of "Ishtar" sitting on your DVD rack?!" [PUNCH-KICK] "Unpatriotic swine! Where's your contact Ishtar taking his flight lessons?!" [MORE BLOWS] "Old man, I swear...if you don't start giving me answers RIGHT NOW..." [KICK]

The stage lights fade as Criso's agents finish the brutal deed; Ashcroft walks to the front stage, where hangs a stately adorned frame of our FBI director stage left. As he wipes the blood from his hands with a hankerchief, Crisco wistfully takes down the portrait, cradles it in his arms and in between tongue licks, asks,

"Edgar, Edgar, Edgar. . .take us back to the pure, patriotic days of law enforcement; When we only had to beat the hell out of brown skinned people from our own shores. "Edgar, make us patriots [DRAMATIC PAUSE, SINGS]...once agaaaiiinnn."

The curtain opens & between the two large elephants standing on their hind feet, I envision 200 dancing, cigar chomping J. Edgar Hoovers adorned in pink-feathered headress & Victoria's Secret lingerie; The orchestra leads the audience in a rousing, toe-tapping chorus of "Yank My Doodle, It's a Dandy!" The Hoovers step kick ala the Rockettes signature finish, as a shower of all white fireworks light up the stage. Before the curtain closes, a 200 foot statue of Lady Justice in descreet polyester sundress descends to the stage floor.

posted in ASHCROFT! The Musical - 1 reply

The turning point - a tear jerker you can dance to!

2003-11-05T04:06:48Z

The turning point of this production, perhaps the segue into act two, is when Johnnie's father anoints his head with Crisco oil before he heads off to his fancy new (and don't forget secular!) governmental job in the Big City. Perhaps it could start out as a moving duet between a son and his elderly, obviously insane father, but then swells into a black gospel production that will have the whole audience dancing in the isles.

Until the actor playing Ashcroft's father starts screaming for those "Damn negroes" to stop their racket and get out of his house, that is.

posted in ASHCROFT! The Musical - 2 replies

Now you've done it!

2003-09-04T04:05:44Z

All I had to do was see the name of this tribe, and "Let the Eagle Soar" wedged itself indelibly in my brain.

Where would this song fit in? I'm thinking end of the first act, which climaxes (as it were) in him pulling the drapes closed over the Spirit of Justice statue.

posted in ASHCROFT! The Musical - 2 replies